What comes to mind first when you think about the word “connection?”

Friends?

Church?

Cell service?

WiFi signal?

In this time of social distancing, connection certainly looks different. From girl’s/guy’s night over Zoom, to live streaming Sunday morning worship, to virtual school, COVID-19 has touched everything. It’s impacted every moment in which connection is valuable – celebrated, even. Weddings, Births, Funerals. School, Summer Camps, Parties. Sunday Worship, Small Groups, Bible Studies.  Not to mention what might feel like too much connection for families who are working from home, schooling from home, and lacking options for outings – missing the previous opportunities of spending time with others.

The first couple of months, the collective murmur seemed to be along the lines of, “It’s only temporary.” “We’ll get through this!” Let’s just pause and reflect on what a relief Zoom was at the beginning versus now. Zoom Fatigue, anyone? *raises hand* (BOTH hands). After 6-plus months of everything being different, the murmur seems to be “WE’RE OVER IT.”

“I feel exhausted and I haven’t even done much this week.” Sound familiar? Wondering, “Is it really normal how lonely I feel?” Thoughts of “Surely other people are having an easier time than I am.” Trying to balance how much we seek normalcy and doing our best keeping ourselves, families, and friends safe. We’re getting messages to reduce social gatherings, work from home, wear masks, don’t touch ANYTHING, and sanitize EVERYTHING. Oh, and still take care of yourself and your mental wellness. How in the world do we do that and continue to have a healthy, authentic connection with others? It’s definitely been a challenge.

Research suggests that feeling disconnected not only has emotional side effects but also takes a physical toll on our bodies. We observe a positive correlation between loneliness and physical ailments such as type 2 Diabetes, hypertension, and even Alzheimer’s. Increased stress chemicals in the brain from loneliness influence levels of depression, can affect sleep patterns, and potentially weaken the immune system¹. If loneliness can have these effects, it’s no wonder we might feel like we’re drowning in loss of connection. The experience of “I’m so tired and I don’t know why” becomes a little bit more normal and makes a little bit more sense.

Now, I don’t know who needs to hear this (or if anyone needs to hear it, but I surely need to hear it). Your feelings of disconnection or loneliness are not a lack of faith, a lack of worth, or a lack of human value. Our sense of normalcy and how we previously sought connection has been shaken to the core. How society conveys value – busy schedules, productivity, and on-the-go lifestyle – now looks a whole lot different. The loneliness that comes out of that lets darkness creep in and can make us question where our worth is now. Remember that our worth is in the Father and what He says about us!

This knowledge doesn’t make your loneliness go away and maybe doesn’t even reduce it. What it might do, though, is give you more insight to what is happening in your brain and body. It’s okay to pay attention to these things! Our culture tends to guide us towards, “What’s next?” “What’s coming?” “Who needs me/needs something from me?” A myriad of to-do lists and urgent matters that distract and take away from the present moment. What would happen if we noticed, “What is my experience in this moment?” “What is my body trying to tell me?” “What are my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs right now?”

Okay, so I’ve recognized that I’m lonely. I’ve taken a minute to acknowledge that I have emotional, relational needs that are not being met. What do I DO? How do I navigate these feelings of loneliness and loss of connection? Great questions! While I don’t know what is best in your time of life, I can provide some suggestions. These might work for you, these might not. Take what you need, leave what you don’t.

Suggestions for connecting while distant:

1.    Let God in!

Talk to God about where you are. When others are distant, our God is always near — specifically when we are hurting (Psalm 34:17-18). He is SO near, in fact, that as believers His spirit is in us (1 John 4:13)! Our Heavenly Father wants a relationship with us so much that he sent his only Son as a sacrifice for our sins so that we could live in connection with him for eternity (John 3:16). Pray. Connect with the Father who meets you exactly where you are. We do nothing to deserve it, but God offers His love freely to everyone who believes (Rom 3:21-26).

2.   Tell someone how you’re feeling!

If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected, share how you’re feeling with others. The act of allowing others into our experience automatically creates connection. Recognize a friend, family member, or church member you can trust and talk to them (Gal 6:2). Maybe they are feeling the same way, are good at listening, and/or have ways they have been able to find connection in this time. Many counselors are also doing virtual sessions right now and some have socially distanced in-person availability. Consider if this would be a good option for you!

3.   Join a small group, bible study, or book club!

Grow your community by entering in to intentional time with others. Being a part of a group working towards a similar goal can facilitate connection, even when you are not able to physically see each other. Imagine reading a book and knowing that three other people are also reading it? Bam! Connection. To get started, check out the links below. Hill Country Bible Church currently has open registration for Bible Studies! Get more information sign-up:  Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood

4.   Get creative with your Zoom calls!

Plan with a friend to get the same craft supplies or cooking ingredients. Craft or cook together on a Zoom call in addition to the usual talking. At the end show each other your creative project or share a meal together.

5.   Driveway and Patio parties!

Okay, “party” is maybe the wrong word. Call up a friend, family member or neighbor and hang out on the driveway or patio. Foster present moment relationships while practicing social distancing.

6.   Serve others!

Think about how you can pour into other people’s lives. Write a kind note, join a meal train, or help a family you know with virtual learning. As Christians, we are called to serve (Gal 5:13, Phil. 2:1-4, 1 Peter 4:8-11) . How better to foster connection than connecting with what were created to do? Consider your bandwidth for this and serve within your current capacity.

Connect with your needs, connect with God, and connect with others. Explore what your current self needs and allow those things to be real and valuable. Give yourself space to enter in to the struggle of loneliness and sadness over lost connection. Notice what you need and contemplate what would help those needs to be met. Find someone you trust and allow them in to your struggle. Reconnect over loss of connection.

¹Mushtaq, R., Shoib, S., Tabindah, S. Mushtaq, S. (2014). Relationship between loneliness, psychiatric disorders and physical health: A review on the psychological aspects of loneliness. Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research (9). https://dx.doi.org/10.7860%2FJCDR%2F2014% 2F10077.4828

 

Rebekah Capriglione, MA, LPC-Intern
Supervised by Sarah Walters, LPC-S

 

Many of you have already experienced the drastic care restrictions that have been put in place to help dampen the spread of COVID-19. The simple acts of visiting in the hospital, bringing flowers or a special treat, or being able to consult with the doctors in person have currently been stripped away. Now we yearn for the experience of being overly tired from a terrible night’s stay in those uncomfortable hospital sofas or hungry for “real food” after eating hospital meals for days.

When our physical ability to be with one another is taken away, it can create some very real experiences: a sense of helplessness and overwhelming guilt. In a world of a lot of “can not’s” there are some really helpful things you still “can” do and truths we “can” hold onto when we are caring for those we love who are sick.

1. You can remember there is nothing you could have done to prevent the illness of your loved one. In grief, our minds can become trapped and even haunted by “what if” questions such as, “if I would have only left the house 5 minutes earlier, gone to a different store, or disinfected the house one more time…” These questions are so natural to start asking, but can quickly encourage us to assume more responsibility on our own shoulders than we can muster. The more we entertain those questions, the more guilt and shame we start to internalize for what has happened.
   
   I want to tell you two truths. The first truth is of reality, that there is nothing you could have done on this earth to prevent this virus from getting to where it is today. It’s awful that we (you) are experiencing this, but you could not cause this to happen to your loved one. The second truth is Biblical: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Precious one, allow God’s love take away any unneeded, excess guilt you may be feeling and replace that with His sovereignty and His love.
   
   
2. You can and need to stay connected to your loved ones. Though there is no equal replacement to being with our loved ones in person, thanks be to God for the technology of our time. Hebrews 3:13 reminds us of the necessity of community when it states:  But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” In our isolation, our fears can get the best of us, can’t they? But by staying in contact with one another, we are reminded of Truth and encouraged to face the day with love over fear.
   
   
3. You can stay in community and pray. Community and prayer are two major resources we can still tap into! In our current state, the temptation is to isolate ourselves or fear we might overburden one another by sharing what’s going on. Galatians 6:2 says,“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” We are truly being the hands and feet of Jesus when we look upon the needs of one another with compassion and pray specifically, on behalf of one another, for the Lord to come alongside and fulfill those needs. The good news is this act of community isn’t broken by physical separation. There is something incredibly powerful about our love for one another that transcends the physical space and time and brings us into a spiritual, emotional space together. This space cannot be taken away, and it is the space we can receive and give comfort, encouragement, and support to one another. Express those needs to a trusting community for us to rally around one another.
   
   
4. You can do reparative work on your relationships, even over FaceTime. One of those diamonds in the rough of a crisis is the gift of perspective on what is most important. Our relationships channels can get clogged with bitterness, resentment, and distance quite easily, and often times we have been stuck here in this state for years. But now would be a perfect time to reach back out to those you love, even those who are hard to love, and express the love that you have for them.

Scripture encourages us to “be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18-19). So many of us have affectionate thoughts towards our loved ones, but we haven’t been in the practice of saying those sentiments out loud to one another. Those words left unsaid is what contributes to the experience of regret. Do your relationships a favor and try to get your relationships as “clean” and filled with love as possible.

5. Find ways to serve others. Another encouragement I would give you is to find ways to encourage and support those around you. Paul encouraged us in Galatians 5:13, “serve one another humbly in love,” for through our service, we are living out the freedom that we receive in Christ. Whether you can find a way to encourage the nurse/doctor staff caring for your loved one or serving a neighbor, these acts of service can allow us to feel that we still can be a source of care to others. Giving back is an empowering experience that allows us to feel that we are giving back to others and reciprocating the love and community we are receiving.

Gregory, Christina, PhD. (2020) The five stages of grief: an examination of the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model. Retrieved from https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html

Grief and loss is a challenge to process through in the best of conditions, but in this COVID-19 time, it has complicated and even eliminated our normative rituals that are important to us and help us grieve the loss of those who have died. And right now the question is how can we really celebrate the life of our loved ones who have died?

That unanswered question can make us feel like we have to answer 100’s of questions all at the same time. To help you navigate you through this journey, I wanted to offer you some thoughts from Scripture as well as from grief experts Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

1. Start Now, Don’t Wait: Being in quarantine offers additional challenges to the grieving process, but it is important for you to find a personal way to celebrate the life of your loved one in the here and now. David Kessler writes: "There's something important about grieving when grief first hits. People who don't have these rituals seem to have more trouble grieving" (LaMotte, 2020). Scripture also invites us to draw near to God with our sorrow, not postponing the feelings but rather embracing them. And when we don’t know what to say, Scripture reminds us, “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans” (Romans 8:26). Grief is very difficult to put into words, but one practice people have told me has been helpful for them is creating a loss box. Fill this box with items, memorabilia, letters, or photos that represent treasured memories with your loved one. You can even do this practice with your family members and kids in your home. These items can help us connect to the loved one, in the here and now, as you work to find a meaningful way to celebrate their life and grieve their loss.
   
   
2. Include All You Can in The Celebration: Though we may not be able to host a funeral or memorial right now, with whatever ceremony you create right now, try to include all the people possible. There is something transformative about being together. Scripture describes this when it says: “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power,together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:18). When we gather all together, whether online or in person, we not only experience love from one another but we supernaturally feel the fullness of the love of Christ. With technology, you can host via Zoom or creating multiple digital groups to come attend the celebration at staggered times.  

3. Tell and Share Stories with the Key People: Storytelling has long been a tradition in families that deepens our connection between one another and allows our influence to pass across the generations. David, the Psalmist, wrote, “I shall remember the deeds of the LORD; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old” (Psalm 77:11), for it is through remembrance that we are rejuvenated with truths from our memories that reconnect us back to God and to one another. In this space our internal experience transforms to gratitude as we recognize the lifelong gifts that person gave us. With those key loved ones, find a way to share stories, memories, and your own grief experience. You can make an open forum (such as a Facebook group) where you can all share stories and photos of your loved one who has died. It is also helpful on a community level as well because it allows us to share in memories of our loved one through the eyes of someone else.
   
   
4. Write Letters to the Deceased: Scripture is filled with collections of letters that Paul wrote to encourage, course-correct, and empower believers across the world. In grief, the practice of letter writing can be a vehicle to encourage us and restore conversations that we wish we could have repaired. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross suggests: "Write a letter every day, before you go to bed. Talk to the loved one and just say, 'This is what I wish I could have said to you.' By doing that, you are finishing some of the business that you weren't able to do" (LaMotte, 2020).

5. Cope with Your Guilt: This unique season of grief is going to be complicated by the fact that our loved one was isolated, and we may fear they felt unsupported by us. But we can have hope that though we were not physically able to be in the same room with one another, we were able to remain emotionally and spiritually there for them and with them. Just like our relationship with Jesus, though we physically can’t see Him, He promises us in Matthew 28:20, “…surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” So we can rest in knowing God went before us and our love continued to surround our loved ones where our physical bodies could not go yet yearned to be.

6. Talk to Your Community: Often times death can bring some of the unresolved pieces to the surface. Sometimes it can bring with it spiritual doubt, questions about our own purpose or resurface unresolved hardships we’ve experienced. Scripture encourages us to “be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). It takes humility to be vulnerable, especially in a time where closed doors encourage us to be reclusive. But when we allow one another to express our fears, thoughts, and concerns, we create an opportunity for authentic community to transpire and help lift us up in our time of need. 

7. Join a Support Group: Staying connected to our families and friends is incredibly valuable, but since we are very linked to our families emotions, there are times when we feel we need our own space to process this away from everyone else. Support groups can be that space you are seeking and help you find others who are sharing in this experience. As a church, we are offering support groups for that very purpose. 

Winston’s Wish (2020). How to use a memory box with bereaved children. Retrieved from https://www.winstonswish.org/how-to-use-a-memory-box-with-bereaved-children-and-young-people/.

LaMotte, Sandee (2020) Grief and fear after a Covid-19 death: Managing a double trauma. Retrieved from https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2020/04/01/health/grief-fear-coronavirus-wellness/index.html.

My wife shared a great Facebook post with me the other day, and I can't stop thinking about it. The post compared our common experience of stay-at-home to riding out a storm. The fascinating point is this: we're all experiencing a storm, but we're not all experiencing the same storm.

partly cloudy

For some of us, this is a period of rejuvenation. Life's pace is slowing down a little bit, priorities are becoming clearer, and we're using technology to connect with friends and family. This seems less like a storm, and more like those times when the rain clouds kind of lighten up, and the sun's rays shine through.

heavy rain

For others, we're waiting for a break in the weather; the rain is present, but maybe not constant. We're ready for the rain to stop and, sometimes, grateful for the refreshment. We're enjoying having dinner as a family every night. Watching movies and playing games. Taking walks. Riding bikes. We're thankful for the opportunity to spend time together, and, if we're honest, kind of ready to have some of our old routine back.

thunderstorm

Then there's the thunderstorm: some of us are haunted by loud, ominous clouds of anxiety or anger. The people we live with are driving us batty and we're fairly certain that we can't stand another day with them. And, of course, we can't focus on anything other than the news. Or our aging parents. Or our children. Or our grandchildren. Or groceries. Or...

hurricane

Still others of us are feeling helpless and hopeless, watching as the hurricane tears apart the life we've built. The roof is coming off, the foundation is washing away, and we can't find any way to stop the damage. Our marriage is crumbling, our kids are floundering, and our incomes and savings are disappearing.

a spectrum of experience

This storm is a wide spectrum of experience - and you may find yourself at many points on that spectrum throughout the day. One minute, you're delighted to be connecting with a friend on FaceTime, and the next you're screaming at your kids and beating yourself up over it. (I know because I'm having that experience, too.)

But here's something we should all remember: all of these experiences are normal, as is everything in between. Feeling these things makes sense in our current climate - but that doesn't mean we're out of options.

Consider what your storm looks like; review these resources and ideas, and, even though it might seem silly, give some a try. You might be surprised.

If your storm is....	...try...
a hurricane Intense conflict Violent or uncontrolled outbursts of anger Severe depression and/or loneliness Suicidal thoughts or actions	Call a friend or family member Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 Child Abuse Hotline 800-422-4453 Contact the HCBC Counseling Center
a thunderstorm Overwhelming anxiety or anger Brief periods of loneliness or mild depression Difficulty focusing Trouble sleeping or staying awake	Check out the free resources on Headspace, YouTube, and HelpGuide Read Managing Your Mental Health Learn how to sleep Check out HCBC Support Groups Contact the HCBC Counseling Center
a heavy rain Vague sense of loss or grief Uneasiness or dissatisfaction	Connect with a Small Group Read about Finding Hope Set a schedule for yourself and your family Unwind with a good Podcast Dear Daughters ManUp Check out HCBC Support Groups Contact the HCBC Counseling Center
partly cloudy Productive and busy Moments of light	Practice gratitude and thankfulness Be Intentional Look for opportunities to serve and connect with others Check out HCBC Support Groups

 

I had such a great discussion with my Men’s group last week. (If you’re not in a small group , why not?!) Through the course of that conversation, I had some real eye-opening moments, and this is one of them.

I thought to myself, “I should really write a post about this; I’ll have to do that sometime.” But I know what that means -- there’s a good chance that it will never get done.

“I know! I’ll make myself some notes so that I can come back to it later, when I have time.” Of course, I’ve got gigabytes of great ideas that aren’t ever going to go anywhere because I’ll never just “have” time to do them. And here’s why:

Because the days are evil.

I know, that sounds harsh. But those aren’t my words; I found them in Ephesians 5:16. It says there that the days are evil ( pon?ros ), which means not just that the days are bad, but they are full of hardships and difficulties. The days - not just the daytime, but the whole period of 24 hours - are chock full of things that frustrate us, make us angry, fuel our sense of shame, and inspire us to bury our heads in denial or throw up our hands in disgust.

And so, if time just “shows up” for me to do something meaningful and fulfilling, there’s a good chance that I’m missing something else. Somewhere, a child is neglecting his homework. Some laundry is not getting folded - or maybe not even getting washed in the first place. A dinner isn’t getting made. A Zoom meeting is being missed. A long overdue conversation isn’t happening.

You get the point; even during this time of stay-at-home, issues of time don’t just resolve themselves. Real, genuine, productive things aren’t going to “just happen.”

“Well,” you may be thinking, “they kind of are. I know more about my co-workers family than I ever did before because now, when we’re on Zoom, I’m seeing their kids jump around in superhero costumes in the background - and now I know their lives are just as chaotic as mine. And we’ve had dinner as a family almost every night these past few weeks, and we couldn’t make that happen for years. And I’ve seen my sisters more digitally in the past two weeks than I have in person in months....”

Okay, I’ll give you that. If we’re honest, most of us are having at least some experiences that we didn’t really plan or create, but we look back at them and say, “that was a happy accident; why didn’t I do this before?” But, I’ll wager, for every one of those things, we’ve got several other things that we’re not doing, that we feel we should be doing, that we can’t seem to start doing (or our family refuses to help us with) that would make our lives better, easier, or more productive.

And, since we’re being honest here, I’ll bet there are also a whole bunch of things that, if we stopped doing them, we would be able to do many of those things that we believe we should start doing. (But, hey, Netflix is not going to binge itself.) But that’s the point:

This is a good time for me to reconsider what I’m doing with my time.

Paul wrote that we should, “consider carefully how you live” (Ephesians 5:15a NET). If I’m considering something carefully, it isn’t an afterthought or a task I can perform while multitasking. Considering carefully requires my undivided attention and intention.

Be Intentional

“Taking advantage” or “making the most” of every opportunity means seizing opportunities when they arise. We can’t just let them pass us by. But it also means creating opportunities by thinking about and planning how we are going to use our time wisely.

That makes sense, and this is the point in the conversation when I begin telling myself that I should be doing things that I’m not doing, and then I start feeling a little guilty about it. But, here’s the thing:

Feeling guilty doesn’t change anything.

It feels bad to feel guilty, but that, in and of itself, is just wasted time and energy... unless we actually do something about that feeling. “Sadness as intended by God,” (or “Godly sorrow” in the NIV) as Paul calls it in 2 Corinthians 7:10, leads to “repentance to salvation, which brings no regret.” So, if I’m feeling guilty and I don’t use that to bring about a change, I’m wasting that time, which will likely lead to even more guilt and regret. If you’re feeling guilty, don’t ignore it. Do something. Take action.

If you don’t, there’s a good chance that, eventually, compounding guilt will become shame. And, guess what? Shame doesn’t change anything, either. In fact, shame just causes us to feel worse about ourselves, and that causes us to have even less energy and motivation to take action.

So, if you’re reading this and you’ve got some guilt about some things you need to change, I want to encourage you to start making that change. Don’t just decide to make a change (eventually) - because deciding to do something doesn’t make it happen, either. You know what makes change happen?

Change. Doing something - even little things - begins a course of change.

If you’re looking for some good places to start, stay tuned to this space; we’ll post suggestions every once in a while. And, here’s the first one:

Prayer and Supplication

In Philippians 4, Paul tells us to, “not be anxious about anything” (6a).

OK; thanks, Paul. Isn’t that kind of like saying, “don’t look down?” That feels obvious and unhelpful at the same time. But Paul keeps going; he says, instead of being anxious about whatever-you’re-anxious-about - if you find yourself being anxious, let that anxiety be a reminder to you to take action: “through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God” (6b).

So that seems like a good place to start; for some of us, in some seasons of our lives, it feels pointless to “just pray about it” - but remember this: when you’re struggling to take action, even a little action in the right direction is better than no action at all. Paul’s prescription here is not to just pray, but to petition - which means being very direct and clear with what you’re requesting - and to surround your requests with thanksgiving - not just thanking God for what he will do, but, also, for what he has done. And for who he is. Thanksgiving might be a struggle in this season, but it is important.

And, of course, it might be helpful to remember what Paul says will happen if you follow his advice:

“...the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).

God's peace, and his protection of our hearts and our minds, is exactly what we need when our worries, concerns and anxieties are overwhelming our senses. In John 14:27, Jesus promised peace - real peace, his peace - to his disciples, then he said, " Do not let your hearts be distressed or lacking in courage."

"Distressed" in Greek is tarass? , and it means to agitate or stir up something by the movement of its parts, like the rolling and tumbling of boiling water. If you've never watched water boil, you should do that.

Go ahead.

I'll wait.

In fact, I'll make it easy for you: http://bit.ly/2V6BeSt

Fascinating, right? Did you notice how the rolling boil starts? Just a few bubbles. Just a blip here and there. But those few bubbles become a few more, and a few more, until the entire pot is rolling and tumultuous.

Jesus and Paul aren't telling us that our feelings don't matter. They aren't saying that our fears and anxieties are unimportant or that we should just ignore them or push them down and deny them. Nor are they telling us to muster ourselves and overcome our fears by our own will. Neither of them are even suggesting that we should be able to conquer our own fears.

Instead, very explicitly, they are telling us to lean on God’s strength and character by being obedient to his gentle calling, and he will respond. He will draw near (James 4:8) and provide us with his peace, which, by the way, surpasses all understanding and, at the same time, makes all the difference in the world.

So, take action:

In this moment or season, what do you need from God? Be specific, honest, and vulnerable with him. He can take it.

What has God done for you that you can be thankful for?

Finally, what characteristics of God are you most thankful for right now?